“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”

“I put my phone on airplane mode, but it didn’t fly. Worst trip ever!”

“I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”

“I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!'”

“When life gives you lemons, make sure to ask for tequila and salt.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

“I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.” “I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! He’s dreaming too.”

“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”

“Every time I lose weight, it finds me again just to remind me that I’m a great friend.”

“I love all fruits, except for the bad apples… and the rotten bananas… and the overripe strawberries.” MATCHING QUOTES

“I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective cover for my rock-hard abs.”

“A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just energy efficient.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.”

“Instead of a sign that says ‘Do not disturb,’ I need one that says ‘Already disturbed, proceed with caution.'”

“I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.”

“Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything!”

“I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.”

“When I die, I want my tombstone to say, ‘I told you I was sick!'”

“My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.”

“Technically, alcohol is a solution. So, cheers to problem-solving!”

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