“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

“Consider how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“Just because the message is beautiful, doesn’t mean the messenger is right.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” QUOTES ON IMITATION

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

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