PAUL CALF QUOTES

“Stop bleedin’ nowt, yer clobbin’ me sconch!”

“It’s like tryin’ to shake hands with a jellyfish. ‘E’s all floppin’ about, that Piers Morgan.”

“I might’ve come from Uttoxeter, but I’ve got the wit of a papaya, me.”

“I’m not just your average potato, I’m a Maris Piper, mate.”

“I’ve got more charisma than a pack of werthers originals, me.”

“I’m a rebel, me. I don’t follow the crowd, I lead ’em astray.”

“I may ‘ave a face like a melted welly, but I’ve got the charm of a Casanova, darlin’.”

“If I was a superhero, I’d be Captain Mullet, ’cause I’ve got the power to stun people with my glorious ’80s hairdo.”

“You can take the lad out of Uttoxeter, but you can’t take the Uttoxeter out of the lad.” “I’ve got more style than a Monty Don garden makeover, me.”

“Life’s like a pot of mushy peas. You’ve gotta get stuck in and slurp it up, mate.”

“I’m like a pint of milk, full fat and ready to deliver.”

“I’ve got the voice of an angel, just don’t ask me to hit any high notes.” CASK OF AMONTILLADO QUOTES

“I’m a romantic at ‘eart, me. I’ll serenade ya with a rendition of ‘My Way’ in the karaoke booth.”

“I’m the king of banter, mate. I’ll have ya laughin’ till yer belly aches.”

“I’ve got the dance moves of Michael Flatley, just without the Irish accent.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m posh, but I’ve been known to eat a crumpet or two.”

“I’m like a fine wine, darlin’. I get better with age.”

“I’ve got more knock-knock jokes than a door-to-door salesman, mate.”

“I’ve got the suave of James Bond and the outfit of Austin Powers.”

“I’m known as the bouncer’s nightmare, ’cause I’m always ready for a knees-up.”

“I may not ‘ave the brains of Stephen Hawking, but I’ve got the street smarts of Del Boy.”

“I’m a movie star trapped in Uttoxeter. John Wayne’s got nothin’ on me.”

“I’m like a whirlwind, darlin’. I’ll sweep ya off yer feet and leave ya dizzy with excitement.”