“The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go into another room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“First, you forget names; then you forget faces. Next, you forget to pull your zipper up, and finally, you forget to pull it down.” – George Burns

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire “I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.” – Tommy Cooper

“Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves

“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” – Laurence J. Peter I AM NOT ANSWERABLE TO YOU QUOTES

“I hope life isn’t a big joke because I don’t get it.” – Jack Handey

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.” – Bob Monkhouse

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (The Office)

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers

“If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.” – Mario Andretti

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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